We've been driving all day, I need a brake.

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.

You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!

What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown

Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.

Angel, I want to run all the way with you.

Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"

- Gwyneth Paltrow

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.

What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.

Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.

When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.

I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin

What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!

What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.

Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.

“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”

- Steve Ryan.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.

Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.

Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.

If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.

Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.

I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.

Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.

“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”

Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.

An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.