If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
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