Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
"No wine left behind."
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
You’re brew-tiful!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
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