What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Would you like to share fire with me?
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
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