In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Would you like to share fire with me?
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
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