Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
You’re brew-tiful!
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I’m rooting for you!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
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