“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"

What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!

I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.

Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.

I can sea clearly now.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.

My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.

What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!

Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?

I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.

What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney

“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”

- Delia Ephron

I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case

What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”

What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!

“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.

I just brushed my teeth, ladies.

Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Only a**holes use bidets.

Can I Alp you?

I am a mean green machine.

What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.

A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage

Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.

On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"

“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright

My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.

What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus

Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!