I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
That was thaw-some!
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
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