Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
We've reached the point of snow return.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
You are shrimply the best!
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
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