What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
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