“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
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