Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Go to BabaMail
