What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
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