Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Who’s your paddy?
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
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