You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
You had me at taco.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
You dropped something. My jaw.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
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