I like you a latke!
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
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