“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
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