“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
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