Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.

How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart

How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”

“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”

- Doris Day.

You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later

What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray

“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?

When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".

Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.

Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.

All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.

If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”

That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.

Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.

Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.

Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.

How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!

What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.

During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.