“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
I loaf you.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
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