Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
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