Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was NOT worth the trip.

Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.

Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.

What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.

Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.

If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.

How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?

I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.

I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!

Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

You snow the drill.

I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

Wish upon a starfish.

What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."

Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.

Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Hey, are you okay-leb?

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!

I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”

What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.

I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.

What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz

What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!

Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.

I get a real kick out of you.

A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.

Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”

What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig

Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.

What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.

You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.

Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been getting blitzed all game.

When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.

“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

- Katherine Hepburn.

What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien