Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Irish I had better jokes.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Sleigh, what?!
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
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