I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I now believe in Angels.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
Let's do lunge together
For instant fun, just add water.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
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