What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
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