It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.

If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?

“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.

How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!

What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.

What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!

Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.

Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.

I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house

What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.

Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.

Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.

Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.

Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.

Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!

How about we drop the gloves and go at it?

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.

Donut even think about taking another donut!

Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable

Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?

What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.

The earth's rotation really makes my day.

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.

I C Major potential in us getting together.

Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.

Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.

Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.

What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.

What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.

The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.