What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."

What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree

A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.

Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost

You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan

I love you from my head tomatoes.

How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.

What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.

If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.

If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.

Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.

Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.

How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?

Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.

"You deserve better and so do I."

Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.

Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...

What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck

You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...

You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.

What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.

What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!

What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?

I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying

Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.

Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?

I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?

You're the thought that counts!