I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
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