Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
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