Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
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