Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
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