Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
We've reached the point of snow return.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Tis the sea-sun.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
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