I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Can’t pinch this.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
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