What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
You really mermaid my day.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
I yam what I yam.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
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