I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I eat eel while you peel eel
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
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