Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
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