What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
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