Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
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