Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
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