There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
You’re my soul Santa.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Nice life preservers.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
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