Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Long time no sea.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
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