What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.

Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.

Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.

I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.

Fairies just spell trouble.

I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon

Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.

What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.

"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.

This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.

Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.

Books are my kind of texts.

Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!

What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.

How rude-olf of you.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.

Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin

Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!

My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.

Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.

How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.

I didn't know angels flew this low.

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.