This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
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