"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
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