What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Can we still share a netflix account?
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
More candles means a bigger wish!
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
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