What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
The huddle is real
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Want to go for a ride?
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
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