What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
How hot does your gas oven get?
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
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