Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Sip, sip, horray!
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
I really hate straws.
They suck.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
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