When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
You had me at ruff.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
"Great minds drink alike."
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
I want you for no raisin.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Go to BabaMail
