What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
I love you from my head tomato
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
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