“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
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