Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
I love you meow and forever.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Go to BabaMail
