Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Seas the day.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
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