Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Know what? I dig you, really!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Case in punt
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
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