What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
You don't know jack-o-lantern
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
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