Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.

My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.

What does a house wear?
Address.

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”

It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.

What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.

Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.

How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.

What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!

To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.

Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.

Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.

Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!

Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.

What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai

Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self.

I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.

What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.

I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.

Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?

I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.

What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.

Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.

Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'

Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.

What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.

Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!

How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.

I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.

What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.