What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Wear green, or leaf.

A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."

Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!

Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.

How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.

Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.

Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.

What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.

So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.

I hope to someday be your emergency contact...

Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!

What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!

What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.

Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.

What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.

“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith

What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.

How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."

What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.

What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.