What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
There’s snow one like you.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
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