What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Treat yo shelves.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
You leave me Wonton more.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.