How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
I think we need to become better strangers.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"I wood never leaf you."
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
You look good on your yoga mat.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.