"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.

What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.

The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once

Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben

Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!

The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.

Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.

I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

Let’s make some pour decisions.

You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.

What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain

Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.

When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.

Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.

If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.

Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day

Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

- Ryan Reynolds.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.

Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.