Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
"It's not me, it's you!"
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
You set my heart bonfire.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
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