What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
"No wine left behind."
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
I would give anything to be your personal item.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
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