“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
God was just showing off when he made you.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
I like long runs on the beach.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
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