I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
You look like my future ex wife.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Look for a rainbow connection.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
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