What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
That’s a-may-zing!
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
I wood never leaf you.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
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