A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
We’re mint to be.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
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