Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
I think you're barbe-cute.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
All punts are highly intended
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
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