If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Nice life preservers.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Water you doing?
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
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