Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
Up to snow good.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
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