Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I love you a tot!
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
I think I found my perfect match
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I have bean thinking about you.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
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