How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
"You had me at merlot."
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
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