Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
I told you snow.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
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