Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
You are the square to my root.
Skiing is believing!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
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