What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
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