Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Deja brew all over again.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
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