Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
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