I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
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