Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
You really mermaid my day.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
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