I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Make it rein.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
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