Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Do you comma here often?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
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