“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
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