You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
It's lit.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
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