Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
You leave me Wonton more.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Some bunny loves you.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
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