What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
That look soots you.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
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