There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
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