What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
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