What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
It was mitten in the stars.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
Go to BabaMail
