I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!

Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.

The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.

Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown

What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.

“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”

How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.

Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.

Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.

Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Angel, I want to run all the way with you.

Hey, how’ve you Ben?

Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?

Let’s take an elfie.

What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis

Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.

“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”

- Louise Bates Ames.

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them

If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.

What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

What type of room do you eat? A mush room.

Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...

I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!

What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.

What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter