Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
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